Tee hee... I saw a real life Llama today. It was big, brown and it looked ridiculous.
Life is beautiful.
Thursday, April 29, 2004
Saturday, April 24, 2004
Fark you Dave! (Are you playing this Wednesday btw?)
I know how he feels.
When I was a baby Lemur, I had much the same problem...
I have now submitted for supervisorial scrutiny the first 10'155 words of my thesis. I was reasonably happy with it in the end which just means that I am going to be horribly horribly crushed when i get the revisions back......
Seems I have gotten Dave in quite a tizz.
I would hate to live in your perfect and lovely world, Dave. It is tasteless. The thing is, and this is indeed a sad indictment on the state of the world, that with a few notable exceptions (like eliminating fundamental aspects of time and space), I am more likely to succeed in my insanity as Dave is in his quest to spread goodwill. And leaving any sexual reference to the 10th Decree is fooling no-one Dave....No One!
Anyway, this internecine warfare is doing no one any good, and let's face it.......you and your comrades are no good at the war thing. It has been proven beyond doubt. As Saint, Luther, Claire, Cardinal, Torshin and Tark will testify. Testify mightily, I might add.
Right, off to the rugby.
When I was a baby Lemur, I had much the same problem...
I have now submitted for supervisorial scrutiny the first 10'155 words of my thesis. I was reasonably happy with it in the end which just means that I am going to be horribly horribly crushed when i get the revisions back......
Seems I have gotten Dave in quite a tizz.
I would hate to live in your perfect and lovely world, Dave. It is tasteless. The thing is, and this is indeed a sad indictment on the state of the world, that with a few notable exceptions (like eliminating fundamental aspects of time and space), I am more likely to succeed in my insanity as Dave is in his quest to spread goodwill. And leaving any sexual reference to the 10th Decree is fooling no-one Dave....No One!
Anyway, this internecine warfare is doing no one any good, and let's face it.......you and your comrades are no good at the war thing. It has been proven beyond doubt. As Saint, Luther, Claire, Cardinal, Torshin and Tark will testify. Testify mightily, I might add.
Right, off to the rugby.
Friday, April 23, 2004
Top 10 things I will do when I become Emperor of the World
Right, while the good old "Top 10 things I would do when I become Emperor of the world" has been done many times before, I think it is of some value, and everyone should do one every now and then. It really helps you put things in perspective, and I really recommend that you all do one. It tells you a lot about yourself and it is very therapeutic. Try it.
Without further hesitation, here is my "Top 10 things I would do when I become Emperor of the world":
1) Replace the entire Japanese National Bureaucracy with one catatonic pidgeon
2) Get a dog. Call it Napoleon
3) Put the "Imperial" back into "Imperialism"
4)Use the phrase "In my extremely well considered and eminently brilliant opinion..." more often. The corollary of this is that I will have many more opinions thereafter.
5)Author an Imperial decree that requires all subsequent decrees to end with the sentence fragment "Fo' Shizzle".
6)Legislate that all Stage One essays must rhyme, and that all Stage Three essays must be accompanied by an original musical score that adequately reflects the themes and development of the paper. All honours essays must be written while under the influence. Stage Two will be abolished, as will the hours 6-9am.
7) Dave Searle must perform a monthly "Self-Criticism" exercise live on the "Live International Television Network", which I will have to create for this express purpose.
8) All the world's militaries will be disarmed, with their troops now issued with rotten pieces of driftwood and sea urchins. Except for New Zealand. We will have one Apache Helicopter armed with "Hell-Fire" missiles per head of population. The right to "bear heavy arms" and "inappropriately large incendiary devices" will also be written into our constitution.
9) The man who plays the flute in front the Cathedral in the square at nights will be arrested and held accountable for all inflationary pressures related to children's confectionery since 1986(especially popsicles). He will be then be shot for being a racist bastard. Racism will not be tolerated in the Empire.
10) I will issue an updated version of the 10 commandments that are more in tune with modern living and the complex moral choices we have to make.
They are:
The Modern Ten Commandments
1) Thou shalt not drink Pepsi
2) Thou shalt not drink Diet Pepsi
3) Thou shalt not drink Diet Coke
4) Thou shalt not drink any non-caffeinated carbonated beverage other than L&P
5) Thou shalt drink Coke
6) Thou shalt not vote for the Republican, National or other right wing parties, unless free unlimited chocolate is part of their policy platform. Then it is compulsory. Even for Saint, Claire or Dave. This is of course, unless the opposition counters in a similar fashion. Then everyone must vote for whoever the Ministry of Chocolate recommends.
7) All Canadian men must prostrate and submit themselves to Claire's will ever time they come into contact with her
8) Thou shalt not ask Soma about his Thesis
9) Thou shalt not use Hawaiian pizza toppings as bait when Brown Trout Fishing. Using pineapple and cheese is unfair.
10) Something a rather about murder, adultery, rape and other people's donkeys, but I haven't really thought about this one much.
Without further hesitation, here is my "Top 10 things I would do when I become Emperor of the world":
1) Replace the entire Japanese National Bureaucracy with one catatonic pidgeon
2) Get a dog. Call it Napoleon
3) Put the "Imperial" back into "Imperialism"
4)Use the phrase "In my extremely well considered and eminently brilliant opinion..." more often. The corollary of this is that I will have many more opinions thereafter.
5)Author an Imperial decree that requires all subsequent decrees to end with the sentence fragment "Fo' Shizzle".
6)Legislate that all Stage One essays must rhyme, and that all Stage Three essays must be accompanied by an original musical score that adequately reflects the themes and development of the paper. All honours essays must be written while under the influence. Stage Two will be abolished, as will the hours 6-9am.
7) Dave Searle must perform a monthly "Self-Criticism" exercise live on the "Live International Television Network", which I will have to create for this express purpose.
8) All the world's militaries will be disarmed, with their troops now issued with rotten pieces of driftwood and sea urchins. Except for New Zealand. We will have one Apache Helicopter armed with "Hell-Fire" missiles per head of population. The right to "bear heavy arms" and "inappropriately large incendiary devices" will also be written into our constitution.
9) The man who plays the flute in front the Cathedral in the square at nights will be arrested and held accountable for all inflationary pressures related to children's confectionery since 1986(especially popsicles). He will be then be shot for being a racist bastard. Racism will not be tolerated in the Empire.
10) I will issue an updated version of the 10 commandments that are more in tune with modern living and the complex moral choices we have to make.
They are:
The Modern Ten Commandments
1) Thou shalt not drink Pepsi
2) Thou shalt not drink Diet Pepsi
3) Thou shalt not drink Diet Coke
4) Thou shalt not drink any non-caffeinated carbonated beverage other than L&P
5) Thou shalt drink Coke
6) Thou shalt not vote for the Republican, National or other right wing parties, unless free unlimited chocolate is part of their policy platform. Then it is compulsory. Even for Saint, Claire or Dave. This is of course, unless the opposition counters in a similar fashion. Then everyone must vote for whoever the Ministry of Chocolate recommends.
7) All Canadian men must prostrate and submit themselves to Claire's will ever time they come into contact with her
8) Thou shalt not ask Soma about his Thesis
9) Thou shalt not use Hawaiian pizza toppings as bait when Brown Trout Fishing. Using pineapple and cheese is unfair.
10) Something a rather about murder, adultery, rape and other people's donkeys, but I haven't really thought about this one much.
Wednesday, April 21, 2004
Comprehensively Smacked
The MIGHTY, MIGHTY Aqua Marine Plastic Cups had their first victory today. The opposition goal was plundered for all it was worth. Luther the "super sub" came on, scored, went off and was again victorious at another location. Domination of the local Christchurch sports scene I say. Even if for one night.
As you do
If only I put "My thesis" on my "to do" list, I would get it done (or alternatively, I would even be happy enough being arrested for doing my thesis. Lesser of two evils I figure.)
In other news, I have been working. I am a day or two from submitting my first chapter, being 10'000 words mind.
11-1
And I am very happy that "we" won World War II. Just to be sure.
As you do
If only I put "My thesis" on my "to do" list, I would get it done (or alternatively, I would even be happy enough being arrested for doing my thesis. Lesser of two evils I figure.)
In other news, I have been working. I am a day or two from submitting my first chapter, being 10'000 words mind.
11-1
And I am very happy that "we" won World War II. Just to be sure.
Tuesday, April 20, 2004
My stupidity knows no bounds
So it is generally agreed that one of the most important documents that you have is your passport. Furthermore, it should be put in a safe, easily accessible place, because it is first of all important, and secondly, you never know when you are going to win an all expenses paid trip to the Easter islands or the moon or something.
Now, as a serious question, do you think that given the above, the optimal place for storing your passport is not say under other important documents in your top draw which is invariably an underwear draw, rather, in a small nondescript bag that is submerged under a layer of coughing fit inducing dust, in a similarly nondescript box under a tarpaulin in the garage in a room that can only be gained access to by partaking in a ritual involving a series of knocks, whistles, children's nursery rhymes, and the normal run of the mill virgin sacrifices.
Thankfully, it is fortunate that Einstein was wrong and that problems can be solved at the same level of thinking that created them, otherwise the same type of perverse rationality that lead me to put my passport in such a place would not have helped in the eventual finding of said passport. It is equally stupid that I put my passport there as it is that I would actually think that I would find it there. I think that is the first time I have ever accused Einstein of being wrong, and I dare suggest that it will quite possibly be the last. Although if the registry do screw up and I do get my ph.d in physics, then.................Ill still be crap.
Oh, and I do not have Tuberculosis.
Now, as a serious question, do you think that given the above, the optimal place for storing your passport is not say under other important documents in your top draw which is invariably an underwear draw, rather, in a small nondescript bag that is submerged under a layer of coughing fit inducing dust, in a similarly nondescript box under a tarpaulin in the garage in a room that can only be gained access to by partaking in a ritual involving a series of knocks, whistles, children's nursery rhymes, and the normal run of the mill virgin sacrifices.
Thankfully, it is fortunate that Einstein was wrong and that problems can be solved at the same level of thinking that created them, otherwise the same type of perverse rationality that lead me to put my passport in such a place would not have helped in the eventual finding of said passport. It is equally stupid that I put my passport there as it is that I would actually think that I would find it there. I think that is the first time I have ever accused Einstein of being wrong, and I dare suggest that it will quite possibly be the last. Although if the registry do screw up and I do get my ph.d in physics, then.................Ill still be crap.
Oh, and I do not have Tuberculosis.
Monday, April 19, 2004
Keeping things in perspective
I have recently watched Amores Perros, and The Unbearable Lightness of Being basically back to back and I must say, it would be hard to come out of this ordeal without thinking that things could be worse. That said, both were excellent films and I have them until Saturday, so if anyone wants to borrow them to watch (on DVD) then give me an E or text.
Tomorrow, my "100 Days" starts. Can I write a thesis in 100 days?
Tomorrow, my "100 Days" starts. Can I write a thesis in 100 days?
Friday, April 16, 2004
Time to lay some more smack on History
So my friend Kevin gets his degree in the mail today. Kevin studied towards a Master of Arts in Philosophy. His official certification says that he has a Master of Arts degree in History. Apparently, because he did his thesis on "The history of scientific revolutions" and that he had enrolled in a stage one History course then they naturally assumed he was graduating with M.A. in History. This leads me to conclude one of two things.
A) Registry are suck. That said, because my thesis has the word genetics in the title and I once did a biology course, I would be more than willing to accept an M.Sc in PAMS to supplement my political science qualifications.
B) History gives out Master of Arts qualifications to almost anyone..........oh wait a minute! .....oh yeah I couldnt resist...................the truth hurts.....
POST!
A) Registry are suck. That said, because my thesis has the word genetics in the title and I once did a biology course, I would be more than willing to accept an M.Sc in PAMS to supplement my political science qualifications.
B) History gives out Master of Arts qualifications to almost anyone..........oh wait a minute! .....oh yeah I couldnt resist...................the truth hurts.....
POST!
THINGS I HAVE WITNESSED FOR REAL IN MY LIFE EDITION #4745
Setting: An Interview at Harvard for a lectureship position in the Department of English Literature
Member of Interview Panel: So have you been published?
A.Monkey: Yes, I am the author of Hamlet, and an particularly unisightly Master of Arts thesis in Political Science from the University of Canterbury
Member of Interview Panel: Oh, we were wondering who wrote Hamlet. You are a mildly misogynistic little monkey
Another Member of Interview Panel: Yes, and we have read that thesis, and it was particularly crap
Brian Dennehy (sitting next to A.Monkey) : Yes, and more importantly, what the hell would a quality director like Spike Lee want with a has-been television movie actor like me, anyway?
A.Monkey: WTF?
Tim Street to Snoop Dogg (also on the Harvard interview panel): I wish I could tell Brian Dennehy about my chaffing problem.....
A.Monkey: WTF?
Tommy Mottola: Frailty, thy name is Mariah Carey. Get thee to a nunnery!
A.Monkey: WTF?
Kurt Cobain wanders in singing:
"My heart is broke
But I have some glue
Help me inhale
And mend it with you
We'll float around
And hang out on clouds
Then we'll come down
And have a hangover
Have a hangover (x3)
Skin the sun
Fall asleep
Wish away
The soul is cheap
Lesson learned
Wish me luck
Soothe the burn
Wake me up"
Dave Searle: Look guys, I have a mind too....you get caught masturbating once and everyone thinks you are sex fiend and treats you like an object.
A.Monkey: WTF? Seriously guys, you would have thought that my being an overdressed primate was already quite a disadvantage in this situation. However, you all just had to go and fuck it up........
Meanwhile back in New Zealand........
Some whinging bastard called "Corey" : I have a cold. Japan hates me and is about to declare war on me. And I did not receive one single Easter egg this Easter.
Corey's mum: Thats because you are too old for Easter eggs. You are 23 years old for christ's sakes.
Corey: WTF? Did I just hear what I thought I did?.........too old for cho-co-late...........oh my, oh my, my life is over. Thats it. I'm out. Im sick of this shit. G.O.N.E
University of Canterbury History Department: We are very very very big losers
Oh, and I had an $80 collect at the races last night. Ya what? Why was I at the races?
My answer is: I have no alibi. I have no defence. I was there. And I profited from it, too.......
And to settle the ongoing argument that we were having: Brian Lara is DEFINITELY a better cricket player than Nic Mason.
Member of Interview Panel: So have you been published?
A.Monkey: Yes, I am the author of Hamlet, and an particularly unisightly Master of Arts thesis in Political Science from the University of Canterbury
Member of Interview Panel: Oh, we were wondering who wrote Hamlet. You are a mildly misogynistic little monkey
Another Member of Interview Panel: Yes, and we have read that thesis, and it was particularly crap
Brian Dennehy (sitting next to A.Monkey) : Yes, and more importantly, what the hell would a quality director like Spike Lee want with a has-been television movie actor like me, anyway?
A.Monkey: WTF?
Tim Street to Snoop Dogg (also on the Harvard interview panel): I wish I could tell Brian Dennehy about my chaffing problem.....
A.Monkey: WTF?
Tommy Mottola: Frailty, thy name is Mariah Carey. Get thee to a nunnery!
A.Monkey: WTF?
Kurt Cobain wanders in singing:
"My heart is broke
But I have some glue
Help me inhale
And mend it with you
We'll float around
And hang out on clouds
Then we'll come down
And have a hangover
Have a hangover (x3)
Skin the sun
Fall asleep
Wish away
The soul is cheap
Lesson learned
Wish me luck
Soothe the burn
Wake me up"
Dave Searle: Look guys, I have a mind too....you get caught masturbating once and everyone thinks you are sex fiend and treats you like an object.
A.Monkey: WTF? Seriously guys, you would have thought that my being an overdressed primate was already quite a disadvantage in this situation. However, you all just had to go and fuck it up........
Meanwhile back in New Zealand........
Some whinging bastard called "Corey" : I have a cold. Japan hates me and is about to declare war on me. And I did not receive one single Easter egg this Easter.
Corey's mum: Thats because you are too old for Easter eggs. You are 23 years old for christ's sakes.
Corey: WTF? Did I just hear what I thought I did?.........too old for cho-co-late...........oh my, oh my, my life is over. Thats it. I'm out. Im sick of this shit. G.O.N.E
University of Canterbury History Department: We are very very very big losers
Oh, and I had an $80 collect at the races last night. Ya what? Why was I at the races?
My answer is: I have no alibi. I have no defence. I was there. And I profited from it, too.......
And to settle the ongoing argument that we were having: Brian Lara is DEFINITELY a better cricket player than Nic Mason.
Saturday, April 03, 2004
On Drink as the solution to problems
Okay, so it seems that going out on friday night and getting ruthlessly drunk was not the answer to my problems. I have never been so sick in my entire life. I am still sick and I will be lucky if I am even operating at 50% for tomorrow's paintball. Irresponsible bastard. And I was looking forward to taking out my "muntedness" on the History dept. I probably have a mild case of alcohol poisoning, as I am well familiar with the feeling of "merely" being hungover, ie dehydration, upset stomach, but the feeling i have right now is categorically different. My entire body from head to toe, every muscle, joint and organ feels poisoned. The weird thing is that the amount of alcohol I drank, while not insignificant, was probably equivalent to what I would have needed to have a good time during the reckless party times of Pols 2003. Unfortunately with my increased fitness and loss of wait I no longer have appropriate alcohol fortification. Now this is scary. I went for a 10.5km run before the party, and combined with excessive consumption, my body lost 3 kgs of weight between yesterday afternoon and this morning. Scary! That is 6 blocks of butter. Wuh!!!
I was rather lucky that a good friend (well, now definitely a good friend considering the potential ill that could have befallen me) drove me all the way home last night. When i got dropped off I was far too drunk to get my keys in the door and was consigned to sleeping in what I have now learnt to be a comfortable chair that is conveniently placed outside our front door for the purposes of giving smokers a comfortable place to perform their dirty habit. Now add extremely drunk morons to that chair's list of functions. I only managed to make it to my bed when at 6.30 nephew Josh woke up and with him my sister's fiance Eden, who graciously let me in so i could stumble to my bed. Even at 6.30 I was still too drunk to effectively execute the complicated function known as "turning the key and door handle while simultaneously pushing". I have only now at 8.30pm managed to force food into my body. Oh, and apologies to everyone at the party, as I believe I abruptly vanished at some specific time of the night. I was been driven home, so I am glad none of you worried!
So I have now learnt that Alcohol is not the answer to my problems. I wonder if violence is? We will see. Stay tuned.
I was rather lucky that a good friend (well, now definitely a good friend considering the potential ill that could have befallen me) drove me all the way home last night. When i got dropped off I was far too drunk to get my keys in the door and was consigned to sleeping in what I have now learnt to be a comfortable chair that is conveniently placed outside our front door for the purposes of giving smokers a comfortable place to perform their dirty habit. Now add extremely drunk morons to that chair's list of functions. I only managed to make it to my bed when at 6.30 nephew Josh woke up and with him my sister's fiance Eden, who graciously let me in so i could stumble to my bed. Even at 6.30 I was still too drunk to effectively execute the complicated function known as "turning the key and door handle while simultaneously pushing". I have only now at 8.30pm managed to force food into my body. Oh, and apologies to everyone at the party, as I believe I abruptly vanished at some specific time of the night. I was been driven home, so I am glad none of you worried!
So I have now learnt that Alcohol is not the answer to my problems. I wonder if violence is? We will see. Stay tuned.
Thursday, April 01, 2004
On Listlessness
I am currently stuck in some kind of fucked up stasis like existence currently. I have that feeling where I think I would lack the inclination to tie up my shoes if I saw them undone. It seems that I have completely lost it. The problem is, is that I am not sure what I have completely lost. That is most concerning. Knowing reasons for sufferance is an important part of understanding, reflecting, and after self-indulgence, rectifying problematic situations. However, I feel completely munted, although, not as munted as Dave clearly is. I really really really have nothing to complain about. Maybe I just need to get really really realy drunk at the Bus Trip tomorrow night. I am sure that will solve the problem! Something I have not done in a long time. It couldn't be more simple! Okay, so no more suckiness in blogs will be displayed from now on. I've had my say.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
