School Lunch

Ive tried to fight it, I have even tried to like it, but alas, I have reseigned myself to defeat. School lunch has beaten me down to the point where I now grudgingly accept another year and a half of culinary misery..........

Basically a normal days school lunch consists of:

Staple Foods

Rice

So ice cold that I could imagine it breaking the porcelain bowls it comes in. The carbohydrates are in the last stages of becoming a somewhat coal like carbonic substance. Usually mine is much colder than anyone elses because I am such a special and revered guest that they must prepare it before hand, put it in a special place and leave it there for an hour so any freshness evaporates. Coming to Japan and having cold rice almost everyday is by the far the biggest slight the Japanese have leveled against me since ive been here. I mean you freaks eat it twice, three times a day....I just want it WARM. (By the way Japanese being rice freaks is a perfectly reasonable stereotype, given that one person told me if they dont eat rice at least once in a day they would feel depressed.....who the fuck feels that way about a staple food!!??!)

Bread

So refined and white that Coke (either kind) might seem like a better health choice....Japanese bread is by far the worst. I usually use it as a weapon.

Noodles

By far my favourite staple, and usually pretty delicious, except they usually go with soup and that just makes them Mushroom magnets. By the way, I sometimes capitise mushroom because I despise it so....much like a common enemy or a Searle.

Protein

Fish Type A

So small and pointless that the effort of getting out of the packet, into your mouth and finally into your stomach burns more calories than which is provided by said Fish A. This is possibly why the Japanese stay so relatively thin, and perhaps why I am currently rather chubby....not eating enough of that negative calorie micro-fish!

Fish Type B

Ditto because this fish has so many bones and small....bits, but with the added bonus of having to floss your teeth for hours because of the....bits.....

Fish Type C

Fish with a dubiously non-food like texture which im sure the kids make up a name for on the spot (“Corey-sensei,we aren't allowed to ask questions regarding the suspicious nature of our protein products!!”)

Meat

Of unsure origin, this meat could miscellaneously be either chicken or porvine in nature, so much so even the kids who can read the menu are often not sure. That said, this is usually delicious and very eatable despite its ambiguous origins.

Mushrooms

Those of you who know well, now precisely how much i HATE mushrooms. Like put me in a room with Dave and ask me to choose between Dave's puns and eating mushrooms kind of hate.....problem is, since Japanese schools (a novel idea to be sure) try to create balanced meals with a variety of food energy sources, Mushrooms are often that which fills the breach, should a meal come out unbalanced. Basically, this means mushrooms turn up in places.......places they should not be. Added to the fact mushrooms are simply creepy....weird ass inbetween the animal and plant kingdom organisms they are......

5+ a Day

Vegetables (Category 1)

Vegetables that surely have not been named in the civilized world yet, but which are claimed to have nutritional value even if they do like the weeds growing in between pavement cracks.....Yeah, im sure they are a valuable source of calcium....but many things are a valuable source of calcium, like, DELICIOUS THINGS and food even......

Vegetables (Category 2)
These vegetables, known affectionately to outside-worlders as potato, broccoli, carrot and pea, also turn up in school lunch from time to time. So, whats the problem? Well, the fact they not only add mayonaise to the vegetables, but actually what ever natural, non-fattening health potential these vegetables had, is submerged beneath irreverent amounts of mayo. Japanese mayo is good to be sure, but vegetables do have an admirable natural form...

Fruit

Basically no complaints here. Japanese fruit is pretty good, even if the school lunch serving is pathetically small. But they dont often eat the skin so its taken off (due to high pesticide levels im guessing). However, one day not only did they leave the skin on the apple but they actually gave the students A WHOLE APPLE to eat....this was fabulous because the kids were seriously stumped, so much so they had to watch me eat my apple to figure out the "skin-whole apple" dilemma. Dont ask me why they had to watch......I think they werent sure if they were supposed to eat the core too (No you retards, you dont!!!)

Dessert

Usually an anti-climax, basically because its some sort of suspicious fruit jelly. Nothing further will be said

Salvation Milk

So named, because on those days when I am really unlucky, often only the milk gives me solace. But it wasnt always this way.....some of you may remember my initial disgust for Japanese milk. Thankfully ive gotten used it, somewhat. By the way one of the kids in my class loves milk so much that he wants to plan a milk party. What a weird fucking kid.